The Egg Master is like a rock polisher, but for eggs, and even more disappointing. You crack a couple of eggs into the device, and after several minutes of unsettling gurgling, the Egg Master slowly secretes a sausage-shaped log of egg. This is not the future we were promised.
Nearly every infomercial product is either more trouble than it's worth or fixes a problem that doesn't really exist. But at least most of those others don't have you raking knives across the bottom of your foot. Its vaguely creepy name notwithstanding, has anyone ever talked to someone who tried this and enjoyed it?
There are people who will swear by these, and sure, they're convenient - but at what cost? Every pre-fab coffee pod ever made either tastes like water or is roasted into oblivion. The sad squirty, spurty noises the machine makes as it dribbles brown water into your cup is the perfect harbinger of the lukewarm sadness you're about to put inside of you. Even before you think about the massive plastic waste you're generating daily, these machines are depressing.
Mascara promises all kinds of things, and it's always lying. From promises to deliver an "anime look" to the humble "our goop is less goopy than the other goops, we swear!," mascara never stops finding fresh ways to disappoint. Whether you're stabbing yourself in the eye with the wand or sneezing/crying/rubbing it all over your face, mascara will always let you down.
From little old blue-haired ladies in the U.S. to little old pink-haired ladies in Italy, everyone's seen evidence of a dye job gone wrong. And with the hair dye trend hitting its peak right now, more people than ever are throwing half a bottle of Clairol on their heads without reading the instructions and coming out looking like Harley Quinn's understudy.
Writing a diet book is the best racket in the world. First, find an attention-grabbing hook like "no meat ever," or "only meat always." Then, find a couple of reasonably attractive people to sign onto it and buy a stethoscope to wear for your headshots. Last, make sure that you include lots of fine print about how your diet only works as part a healthy lifestyle with lots of exercise and you're golden. Nobody will read the fine print and if they do, they'll ignore it. People don't like work. They like easy answers. And by the time people realize that the "exercise" part of the plan is really the crucial bit, you'll have already cashed your checks.
From Hungry Man to Lean Cuisine, microwave dinners seem specifically formulated to make you feel even sadder about the fact that you're eating for one. 90% of these things couldn't be identified by someone who hadn't seen the picture on the box, and that might actually be a mercy.
Taco Bell's branding is perfect. They know their audience, their Twitter feed is hilarious, and the food is about what you'd expect for the price - with one notable exception. In the middle of making pseudo-Spanish words like "Crunchparp Trautina" or "Beefy Chorbflato," they tend to neglect their core product. Opening a taco and peering through the lettuce to the tiny line of beef inside is like gazing at the concept of disappointment, given its earthly form and shape.
It's a good thing that there's not really a body spray that can cause an avalanche of dead-eyed Barbie look-alikes to swarm you (because everyone's seen that episode of Buffy), and it ain't pretty. Instead, the handful of women who recognize the scent for what it is (beyond simply "unpleasant") immediately peg you as the sort of person who thinks "negging" is a real thing and regard you with the appropriate mixture of pity and contempt.
Okay, it's not that these never live up to the hype - sometimes you get perfect, vibrant, gorgeous fireworks. But when you're a kid and you hear "smoke bomb," you imagine throwing a pellet into the ground and disappearing, Batman-style, into the mist. That is... not what these are for.
