Everyone has a Christmas decoration or two around the house. Lots of people have an overbearing number of them. It's a massive industry, but between changing definitions of "cute" and companies doing a rush job as they scramble to join the market, things don't always work the way they should. Here are some less-than-jolly additions to the family tree.
1. Santaur
To be fair, Accoutrements is a company that specializes in post-post-post-ironic Internet kitsch, but let's be honest - does that really make this any better? From his distressingly ripped musculature to the unsettling low divide between the Santa and horse halves, Santaur is just relentlessly upsetting.
2. Hobo Santa
I'm not sure what the worst part is here - that Santa looks like he's got mange, or that what little hair he does have is styled in a Fu Man Chu that would make Mickey Rooney uncomfortable. Imagine the rest of this Santa Claus. Can't you see his robe open, exposing a pot belly and boxers with a big reindeer nose on the fly as he digs through your fridge for milk?
3. Elf on a Shelf
These little guys are terrifying. Maybe it's the way the smile is just a little too big. Maybe it's the lidless eyes that are always off to the side. Either way, this thing looks either like he's debriefing from a tour of duty the actual depths of Hell and is trying to reach within for the words he needs to communicate what he's seen. Or he's an ambassador from Hell who's come to drag you under. It looks like it has a gaping absence of soul, a sucking black hole in its core, and it wants to replace the void where its soul should be with yours.
4. This Clown...Thing
Human beings are hardwired to look for faces; it's part of the mental heuristics that helped us tell friend from foe in the earliest days of human survival. That tendency is the reason we can look down at a parmesan shaker, see a face in it, and sympathize with it. But it's probably also why when something approximates a face and fails miserably it's so, so deeply upsetting to us. This clown probably wasn't made with sinister intent. It was probably just made by tired hands or an eight-year-old.
5. Pasta Fish
Or something. We're not about making fun of someone's honest effort, so we almost didn't include this, because it looks handmade, possibly by a family member or a child. But the person who put it on Instagram seems just as baffled as we are, so we're rolling with it. Does it have the carcass of a smaller fish in its mouth? Merry Christmas!
6. Mystery Troll
This little guy's face looks sort of like it escaped a Shel Silverstein illustration, which would be endearing except for the way its smile sort of continues on up into its earholes. Other features like its upsetting hair, protruding screws, and flagrant-yet-featureless nudity only add to the overall effect.
